Leaving her job presented an emotional challenge apart from a physical one, especially since Annette had come to know her colleagues as a second family.
“All my colleagues were like my family members,” she told us. “They would ask me about my children, about my exams… That made me feel less alone.”
"To care for a child with special needs is tough; there's an endless number of therapy sessions and medical appointments. Let's not forget that there are long waiting hours to endure, [because of] many circumstances that are unforeseen and can't be helped, like when other children need more attention, so appointment hours [can get] pushed back," she explained. "Daily caring is okay, but when there's an emergency… I was fortunate to have such a supportive boss, who would give me the green light to leave when I had emergencies [with the kids] to take care of."
Given the close-knit community, Annette had found in her working environment, leaving her job felt like losing a part of her that had become central to her identity.
"There's a harmful stereotype of housewives, what we call the 'huang lian po' [yellow-faced women]," she described the image of a poorly dressed and dishevelled middle-aged woman, the belittling colloquial. A term often used at the expense of mothers who were not professionally employed and had left their jobs to take care of their children. "Apart from dealing with the mental and emotional drain and burnouts, sometimes we don't feel respected as mothers. People forget that being a Mom is also a difficult job."
"There are times we feel that we're not living for ourselves, but our children."
This explains why Annette advocates self-care, a practice that helps with her self-esteem. "Self-care doesn't need to be luxurious. Making yourself a cup of coffee after the children have left for school, watching dramas, having a moment to sit in silence when you are done with household chores are all forms of self-care. I like to take some time to ensure that I look presentable for myself. Take the time to ask yourself, 'do I like how I look today?"
Engaging in self-reflection allowed her to appreciate herself better as a parent and a woman. While Annette once found it difficult to reconcile her workplace ambition with the responsibilities she shoulders as a mother, she cheerfully told us that the decision to look after Thaddeus and Jovan proved to be rewarding, as it allowed her to access different platforms to spread awareness on special needs.
"I was in and out of different jobs and companies, so I got to meet different people. Along the way, [I found that] some of my colleagues didn't even know about autism. Many of them had their stereotypes, so this allowed me to let them know autism itself is a spectrum, [some] are less impaired in their daily living skills, [and some] are verbal. Letting [others] know that those with special needs are not that different from us, [I consider that] a blessing in disguise."
But she finds that not everyone can be keen to learn more. When asked about her most significant barrier in being a caregiver for persons with special needs, Annette replied quietly, “the eye of the public”.
"There are people who will label you as a bad parent who doesn't guide your children well, especially when younger. Thaddeus and Jovan can experience meltdowns where they would sit on the road and refuse to move, and people will point their fingers at you."
This worry about societal judgment extended to her concern about seeking help. "There was a long period I was so afraid to ask for help. My situation with Thaddeus and Jovan was so different from other people's. To others, I was just an aunt; they couldn't comprehend why I was doing this."
““Life is unpredictable. We can only make the best of what we have.” ”
Experiencing rejection from kindergartens and childcare centres was almost "a slap to the face", where she found the legitimacy of her family questioned. "Once they knew that I wasn't their actual parent, I would start to experience a bit of pushback."
This desire to help parents like her enabled her to find her calling. After attaining her diploma in special needs education, Annette became a part-time special needs tutor. She helps special needs students with sensory and regulation issues, work habits, and learning gaps. For her future, Annette aspires to lead a social enterprise employing persons with special needs. She encourages women like her who desire to return to the workplace to develop more skills in preparation for the workforce.
"Life is unpredictable. We can only make the best of what we have." she acknowledged. "Let's live at our own pace and don't compare ourselves to others."
Written by: Rachel Kok Chian Yee
Edited by: Club Rainbow (Singapore)